I woke at 6am with a sleeping lad beside me.
I quietly did some blogging on my laptop until he woke.
Then checked the weather and dredged deep within for purpose and motivation, hopped out of bed and threw on some outside clothes and walking shoes.
Shoshannah knew where I was heading and was happy to hold the fort for me for a few hours.
David, Sasha & Glenn were heading over the hill with chainsaws to help Graham for the day.
I took a 15 minute drive up the hill and parked at the end of the tailing yards.
Took my drink bottle and walked up the hill for another half an hour.
It was blowing a cool breeze to begin with and I was glad I had my downie on.
But I hadn’t gone too far when the wind dropped and the sun came out and I soon was carrying my downie and very glad of my water bottle.
I know it is not terribly far, but I am not that fit so it was a bit of a mission for me.
I was soon at Tim’s grave site.
It is 5 weeks today that we held his funeral, celebrated Tim’s life.
The life that was way, way too short
I stood and took in the spectacular views for a few moments.
Could see Sebastian steaming across the bay to work on the mussel lines in Maori Bay.
It must be so lonely for him to be working on the boat alone now.
I know how much he and Tim were really enjoying working together.
They had such big plans for the future.
When I look at these photos I know Tim is not here.
It is just a place for his earthly remains.
But it is a pretty darned good resting place.
I am just so incredibly sad that his 63 years is reduced to this.
I wanted to rage and yell and be angry.
But for some reason I cannot be angry.
I am just inconsolably sad and heartbroken.
I sat for a while.
Talking to Tim.
Talking to God.
Asking Him why?
Telling Him that He better be real and that there had better be a heaven.
Because I can’t do this without that hope.
I have to cling on to the hope that I will be seeing Tim again.
The words of one of our favourite songs we sang together keeps circling in my head tonight
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
I have been feeling like I have no purpose in life anymore.
Our lives were so intertwined that now he has gone I don’t know what I am to do now.
It’s like I am just going through the motions for the children.
There is this blankness around me.
Life is going on and I can’t seem to keep up.
I keep getting told to take it slow and not to rush things.
I am so not rushing, I’m trying to process.
But everyone around me seems to be moving too fast and it is making it harder.
I went over to visit Cypress’s grave before I left.
Our precious wee first grandson.
The recent rains have been enough to keep the wee plants going.
They were looking really healthy.
February 2nd and February 18th will be dates imprinted on my brain forever.
February 2013 was not a month I want to repeat.
The clouds in the north west were getting quite dark and threatening and the wind had picked up again.
I walked back and stopped for a moment at the top of the hill to see the cairn where Tim’s parent’s ashes are.
Then down the hill back towards the car.
Met up with Alan.
He was walking up to visit Tim’s grave.
We shared a hug and a few tears together.
I couldn’t help but think of Tim when I was walking.
He loved these hills.
He loved this place.
There is probably not a square inch he didn’t walk over.
He used to literally bounce down them, whereas I and most others would be carefully sidling, edging down clinging to anything we could to stop us from slipping.
He just seemed to bound effortlessly and fearlessly down hill in just a few long strides.
Back to the car and looking back up the hill where I had walked.
The gnarly, twisted old weather beaten pinetree still surviving and standing in spite of the winds and half it’s trunk dying.
The llamas were standing guard as I drove along the airstrip.
Quirky creatures that they are.
The freshly shorn sheep ran ahead of me down the airstrip.
The zig-zag road on the far hillside is where David was taking the trailer up and down many times today bringing loads of firewood back to the farm to be cut up to feed the seven fireplaces on the property
I stopped down the bottom of the airstrip to have a better look at the Safari.
I am so incredibly glad Tim did not have his seatbelt on.
If he had he would’ve been completely munted & unrecognisable.
Instead he was thrown free and even though his body got a beating, afterwards I could easily see he was still Tim.
The seatbelt debate really is not an issue here despite the police & coroners report making a thing of it.
I met up with Anson & Mahalia on the quad bike as I was driving down the bush road.
Anson was running the dogs and they were looking for Olly.
As I had not seen him Mahalia hopped in with me and I dropped her off so she could search along the Bush Inn track.
I stopped off to visit Marah.
We sat awhile.
I cried and she talked.
She is very understanding and supportive.
We checked out her paint job in the baby’s room.
Looking good so far.
Anson arrived back and we talked some more and then I left them to get ready as they were heading away in the boat for the night.
Anson is competing at the Waitaria Bay speed shear tonight.
I parked up the Terrano and walked back to the house.
Had a look at Mahalia’s new tack shed that Bri has built for her.
She cleaned out and converted the lean-too shed next to the truck/wood shed.
Olly was happily munching from his hay holder.
I love that they have used our old babies cot for a hay holder.
Bri & Cat have been very busy cleaning out the workshop – amazingly tidy now.
The stainless corner bench is installed.
The front of the Safari in place on the back wall.
Inside Tim’s workshop.
Far too tidy and quiet.
There is an empty seat….
The girls were watching ‘Sense & Sensibility’ when I returned.
Another 3 hour BBC drama to occupy them.
I call it passive education.
Studying the classics without realising
Shoshannah then watched the shorter 90 minute version later in the afternoon.
Then it was lunch time.
Sasha came back from Pukatea Bay saying that it really was just men’s work over there and she superfluous to requirements.
So she went kayaking with Azzan.
Abby & Bri took my kayak and fishing rods and they all paddled to Waterfall Bay.
Returning later with fresh fish.
I called Nicola back and caught up with the Wenborn family happenings and all the wedding preparations.
Nice for her that this time they are the groom’s parents and don’t have the same stress as they have had for the previous
six daughters weddings
I ended up falling asleep in my bed afterwards.
Then a phone call with Vonnie before Christine came to visit.
She wanted to do something to help so got the washing in off the line.
The dahlias are so pretty – there are heaps of them growing wild naturally around the garden at present.
We had a cuppa and a chat.
Cat arrived in and it was soon busy with comings and goings of fisherfolk and kayakers and wood gatherers!
David took Sasha back to Pukatea to go diving on the reef before dark.
I threw some date loaf at her so she wouldn’t starve as it was obvious they would be very late back for dinner.
I had been waiting for my crazy Welsh friend and her family to arrive by boat since 5:30pm.
No sign of her.
Then just after dark Sandy came staggering up the path and in the door
Because it was a lovely day they had gone fishing first!
Cat got their boat sorted and them all unloaded and into The Cottage.
Leeann made a steak and oyster pie for dinner which was eaten with corn cobs and fresh salad.
Bri fried up fresh blue cod.
I opted for that in preference to the venison pie.
Shoshannah had roasted up some butternut pumpkins too.
We had my Tiramisu for dessert
While the dishes were being done Bri asked Mahalia to play the harp for them.
She played a wee bit.
I went over to listen and see what she was meant to be practicing.
She wasn’t very happy.
We had a cuddle and she sobbed on my shoulder.
She is missing her Daddy terribly.
And when she is not busy she has time to think about him and it is hurting her that no-one is talking.
I am hearing that from both the girls.
Everyone is grieving in their own way.
The older kids are keeping themselves busy which helps them, but the younger ones need to talk about their Dad, they need to talk about the accident.
I made another wedding card tonight.
Just need to make one more and then I am up to speed for the upcoming weddings.
Will put them on here after the weddings for obvious reasons
David, Sasha & Glenn arrived back around 9pm-ish
D&S had dinner and then went out possum hunting with Shoshannah.
Sasha said she was going to sleep in the truck while the other two hunted!!
Azzan came out for an extra cuddle and cried for a while.
He is missing his Daddy tonight too.
It has been a difficult day.
Not too sure why today has been harder.
Seems like we are riding a roller coaster and the grief hits us in waves.
Mostly the waves are small and constantly lapping.
But then some pound the shore constantly like southerly breakers.
And other times the waves hit hard like tsunamis.