I woke early-ish, lay in bed and finished watching the movie I started last night – ‘Take this Waltz’.
Drifted back to sleep.
Woke about 8:30am feeling really grotty.
Had a bit of a headache and didn’t want to get up.
But knew Angela & Cliff were leaving so thought I should go say goodbye.
Didn’t get to the shower quick enough and had to wait in the queue.
By the time I had showered and dressed everyone was up and finished breakfast and were sitting around chatting.
I got myself a grapefruit and sat and ate it while all the talk was going on around me.
Sort of felt weirdly disconnected.
Like I was not really there.
I did try and join in the conversations but every time I said something it just came out all wrong and bitchy.
Angela & Cliff took a while to say their goodbyes, but when some light precipitation began threatening rain I encouraged them to get on the road as they were only in a small 2 wheel drive rental car.
Bri was organizing some of the crew into working bees.
They got a truck load of firewood down and then some gravel.
Nick & Anson went mustering.
The meat I had put in the slow cooker yesterday was needing some attention.
I cooked up some corn, beans & capsicum from the freezer and added them to the stew.
Also cubed up some pumpkin and chucked it in.
Was a bit worried that there wasn’t a lot of meat but left it to cook some more and hoped for the best!
The kids were showing Molly some photos on the computer in the study.
Shoshannah & I had tidied the lounge and moved it in there for a while to give the kids a quieter place for doing Maths.
I wasn’t doing terribly well.
Just wasn’t in a good zone.
I had things I wanted to do but just felt empty and aimless.
Sat in a chair and ate the last of the bacon & egg pie with thoughts whirling around in my head.
Tears began and wouldn’t stop.
Retreated to the safety of my bedroom and closed the door and just lay on my bed and sobbed my heart out.
The kids were playing the Country Calendar dvd for Molly.
I could hear the commentary and Tim’s voice through the wall.
It was too painful to hear this morning.
I cried myself into a doze.
I was woken by a phone call from Phoebe.
Got up to talk through accommodation bookings.
Decided to needed to go for a walk, it was really cold so put on warm socks, scarf and jacket.
Went up to visit Cat.
She was busy doing some digging.
We talked for ages.
It was very overdue, it was good.
I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and trying to just keep myself from drowning that it has been hard to keep up with everyone.
When I got back to the house the others had all eaten lunch and were off doing other jobs.
The loaf of bread I had made earlier was finished so I cut some slices and spread them liberally with butter and apricot jam.
Took them through to my bedroom and curled up and watched ‘Mirror Mirror’.
It was really cold so I was still bundled up in my jacket and scarf and blankets.
Mahalia came and cuddled up beside me 🙂
It was a great rendition of Snow White – loved it.
When it finished I dragged myself off my bed to go get dinner sorted and found Abby was already busy at it.
She had made a Coconut Pudding recipe that I had seen and sent to her, it was tasty but didn’t look like the picture – they never do
She had put on some rice and also made a delicious pot of steamed silver beet tossed with feta and sun dried tomatoes which is a very tasty way to eat it.
Note to self – do that again often 😉
The stew turned out fine too, it was good that the meat had almost two days of cooking.
Everyone was here for dinner – 11 of us around the table.
It was really nice to have a busy table despite the noise.
The noise of everyone talking at the same time, 3 or 4 completely different conversations all at the same time competing for airspace, Azzan entertaining us with his stories of communicating with his favourite radio hosts, excruciating ear splitting Shanni laughter……
…so incredibly noisy.
I was trying to talk to Nick, he was right beside me and at times I couldn’t hear a word he was saying!
It was good to have everyone here and happy, but the noise was just too much for my head!!
It all felt normal.
But it wasn’t.
Normal is looking to the opposite end of the table and seeing Tim sitting there.
Happily surrounded by our family & friends.
With a bemused crooked smile on his face.
He was completely deaf in one ear and had very little hearing in his other so the normal noise of a dinner conversation made it almost impossible for him to hear anything.
He would just sit there enjoying his family, without trying to keep up with it all.
I would see him put his hand to his ‘bad’ ear and turn at times to the ones closest in proximity and have a one-on-one conversation.
His lip reading skills were far better than people realized – actually better than he himself realized.
It is no wonder he got so tired in social settings.
Instead, in his chair sits his namesake – Azzan Timothy.
He sits there happily as if of right.
He doesn’t seem to have a problem with using his Dad’s chair.
In fact I think for him it is quite comforting.
I find it really hard to use Tim’s chair or to see others sitting in it.
But I don’t say anything, cuz it’s ‘just a chair’.
Cat & Leeann cleaned up the dishes and everyone finally began retreating to their beds.
I did some more knitting.
It is really beginning to take shape now.
I have never knitted a garment from the neck down before so I am enjoying seeing it evolve from my needles.
I’m becoming more confident in my improvisation and am working around 4 large needles instead of leaving stitches on holders.
Not the way the pattern is written but it suits me 🙂
It has been so incredibly cold today.
Have had both fires going all day but they didn’t begin to take the chill off the house until near dinner time.
So by bedtime it was hot enough to leave the hall door open and let the heat through.
I thought I had turned on my electric blanket earlier.
So when I climbed into a cold bed it was disturbingly forlorn end to an emotionally draining day.