Tuesday 28th April

I have written the beginning lines to this post half a dozen times and then erased them.
This morning in this house was very strained in several quarters.
I was still feeling extremely vulnerable and fragile from the trip back home.
I have also been getting quite frustrated about the lack of ability from various members of the household in their abilities in keeping my house and their home clean, tidy & uncluttered.
Personally I enjoy having my family and friends come and go.
But I cannot handle mess and clutter.
Part of my PTSD is an OCD in this area.
Some major things that happened to me as a child took control away from me in my formative years and so over time I have developed a need to control the environment around me and if my environment is cluttered, messy and out of control I lose the plot and I cannot function.
On top of this there has been something going down with one member which has been straining relationships and this morning I let that person know that I was not impressed with the behaviour.
Nathan was up and about and asked what he could do to help around the place as it was his day off.
I really appreciated his query but was not in a great place emotionally and could feel tears trying to escape.
So I removed myself from the situation and took Caspian for a walk.
We walked to the vet and they got him fitted with a No-tug harness that our dog trainer had recommended.
He was so funny there.
He just went manic psycho, lapping up the attention the nurses were giving him.
We walked back along the river.
It was a lovely morning after several stormy wet days.
Shoshannah was till home when I got back.
I didn’t realise she was on a late start today.
Mahalia had already walked to NMIT and then after school was off to Kip McGrath for a double set of lessons.
I had no one to account to or for, so after getting Caspian sorted with Nathan & Mira I left for my 10am appointment with Hitomi.
My hair was an absolute mess and knowing I had the fundraising event tonight I had booked a haircut.
She is more than a hairdresser, she is a friend.
And I am sure she sensed that I was not in a good place.
She gave me such a good long scalp massage and then afterwards we were talking about some other stuff and love languages came up.
She said, ‘What is your love language? Is it touch?’
And at that question the tears burst forth and I cried & cried and she hugged me tight.
The dam needed to break and she gave me the permission & privacy for it to happen.
The one thing I so miss is Tim’s hugs, his touch, his hands.
He was so big on his hugs and cuddles.
I know that is one thing the kids all miss too.
He was such a loving tactile man.
After I lost him I would cry through massages because I was just craving his touch so much.
It is over 2 years since he last held me and all I want is to have him hold me again.
Thank you Hitomi for being there and for being my friend when I needed you.

After I got back home Gay arrived with her daughter Amber.
We had a wander around and reclined a while in the sunroom chairs.
Then decided to go to The Baker’s Cafe for a coffee.
It was lovely to spend time with them both, we talked the hour away and then I moved the car and we walked the streets checking out some of the funkier shops searching for the elusive something that might just fit in our new homes 🙂
I was delighted to find a portable typewriter in Eclectic.
While we waited for our smoothies at Tank Juice Bar I did some online research via my iPhone and found a supplier in Auckland .
I called him up and had a chat about the typewriter, and yes, he did have new ribbons for it and when he heard how much it was he said for me to snap it up as it was a real bargain.
According to him they sell for five times the price I was paying up there!
So I bade the ladies farewell and I headed back and bought the Hermes Baby.
Here is a great blog post about it – seems I have found a wee  cracker!
I was so excited because I just knew Azzan would love it.

Back home again to chill for a wee while and then get ready for the evening out.
Nathan & Mira were transferring the last loads of gear from her parents house into my garage.
It is now bursting at the seams!
I think a garage sale is definitely required very soon so I can reclaim my garage.
You can’t swing a mouse in there at present!

Mahalia went on to her Kip McGrath lessons after school.
Nathan took Mira to work and then picked up Mahalia and delivered her to The Boathouse around 6:30pm.
I got myself to The Boathouse at 5:30pm.
Liz and crew were busy setting up so I pitched in and helped where I could.
i had not been there before, it is a great venue extending over the water.
It was a rather cool evening with a very fresh tide lapping loudly around the piles.
It lent a very authentic island atmosphere to our fund raising evening – the Ni-Van Ni’s Up.
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The silent auction corner – loads of wonderful things to bid for during the evening.
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All ready for the guests to arrive.
Eric, head down amongst the foliage getting the slide show ready.
It played almost constantly throughout the whole evening, showing wonderful photos of before and after Cyclone Pam.IMG_5182  
The Ni-Van guys arrived and were ready to begin their singing soon after 6:30pm.
The ladies in the kitchen were very busy preparing wonderfully delicious canapés.
Rifkin was hauled into make the coconut milk.
The delicious platters all ready for us to hand round the guests throughout the evening.
The were mouthwatering – it was great to have an opportunity later in the evening after most of the guests appetites had been met, to try some of them.
The guys singing in the early part of the evening.
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The main auction was for return flights from NZ to Port Vila and a holiday etc in Santo.
A wonderful prize to bid on.
I was very tempted to put my hand up a few times 🙂
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And of course there had to be kava.
Expertly made (and of course sampled by Rifkin & Eric) and served in exchange for a gold coin.
Never served in shot glasses in the islands 🙂
A hazy no flash photo of Anne, Rifkin, his fiancé Lauren, and myself
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Mahalia & Rifkin – after she had skulled back a glass of kava.
It was a school night so soon after 9pm Mahalia’s energy levels flagged so we gathered up our bags and farewelled the party.
It was still in full swing with some wonderful musicians drawing dancers onto the floor.
It was a wonderful evening.
A great turn out to support a fantastic cause.
Somewhere in the vicinity of $18,000 raised for Butterfly Trust to supply medical and educational help to the Outer Islands of Vanuatu who have suffered so much loss after Cyclone Pam.
Thank you so much to everyone who helped make this evening such a roaring success 🙂

2 thoughts on “Tuesday 28th April

  1. My 11yo grandson has had a very hard time of it, with parents splitting up and lots of craziness and emotional trauma ensuing. He is so fragile and his way of dealing with it is to go into fantasy land a lot. His step mother is a wonderful woman, full of love, but one who suffered abuse herself, and who learnt do deal with that awful lack of control then, with a need for control and organisation now. It is so hard seeing the two of them, each trying to deal with their own past in such different and conflicting ways. Both suffering, both with ways of dealing with it, but not working out too well. I feel for them, and for you and yours.

    • I feel for them Cally, it is hard enough dealing what your own pain but trying to see outside of it to help another can be so difficult.
      Time and love and lots of patience and the huge thing – learning to communicate.
      Things are changing so much for us as we learn that skill.
      My lad is able to know articulate to me his needs and when he wants me to back off etc.
      So important for us all to have a voice and to be heard, esp the children xxxxx

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