Thursday 2nd June

I don’t even know how to write about today.
Such an emotional roller coaster.
We have had some discussions about depression and grief over past days.
I feel like all my emotional energy drains from me and flows into a big black hole.
It’s exhausting.
I just don’t have the mental capacity to concentrate or to give to anyone or anything extra.
It is so hard because no one can see inside of you to know what’s going on.
It is also an incredibly lonely place to be.
I carry on as best as I can.
Periodically another tidal wave comes out of nowhere and hits, knocking you down, and you drown….
until eventually you get tossed up on to the beach and you start to catch your breath again.
Today was a tidal wave day.

It was a cold start but I had answered a plea on a local FB group from someone needing to borrow a fire screen.
I went out to the garage to measure the one I had taken down last winter.
It was lovely to see the sun rising over the eastern hills as I walked back to the kitchen.
9am and the sun is just hitting the house now.
Winter has really set in.
But it is good here because at least after the cold starts to the day we do get gorgeously sunny days.
I had planned to spend today doing accounts.
Well, at least this morning anyway.
Well, I made a start but then lost the plot.
Fell totally down the rabbit hole and landed in the big pile of black depressive crap at the bottom.
Was sitting her crying, thinking I really need to walk the dog.
Then Sue text to see if he needed a walk.
Oh yes please.
She took him after giving me an encouraging hug.
Then back to the desk but couldn’t concentrate.

The lady came to pick up the screen around 11:30am.
She was so lovely and we ended up talking for absolutely ages.
I love that meeting one person can turn things right round.

Had a long phone call with a lovely friend and then Caspian returned.
I had to go to a 3:30pm meeting so decided to leave a tad early and walk into town first.
I have been doing so well with my dietary changes over the past month or so.
I’ve been trying to walk more, cut out snacks and avoiding sugary processed foods.
Am pleased to report that I have lost around 3kilos.
I have not been anywhere near Starbucks for months but today I had a hankering.
My friend tells me that there is nothing wrong in giving ourselves treats occasionally.
But I’m very aware that when I am down treats are more self sacrificial than beneficial so I have been keeping pretty strong in this area for over a month now.
After my walk into the city I did decided to have a Burnt Caramel frappaccino.
And it was actually good and no I didn’t feel in the slightest bit guilty.
I arrived for the meeting at the appointed time to find it was actually a non event and that I really had wasted my time and energy on the whole thing.
I was pretty pi**ed off to put it bluntly.
I guess my mood was such that I reacted more strongly that I would’ve done on a better day.
I walked back enjoying the late afternoon warmth and the winter colours reflecting from the Centre of NZ hill.

Thankfully I had already made a vegetarian dinner so it was all ready to feed to the boarder.
There was no kindling for the fire.
Mahalia cut some when she arrived back but decided that it actually wasn’t cold enough to light the fire tonight.
We had some time to talk.
Had to chuckle, Caspian obviously thought our talk was pretty boring as he went into a bit of a doze coma at our feet.
Azzan had gotten side tracked again so didn’t have a lot of time in between getting home and going out again.
Things hurriedly turned into a slight state of mayhem.
I made a hasty decision and whisked the kids out the door around 6pm.
We dropped Azzan off at Maccas so he could meet his friends and walk on up to Youth Group.
Then, at Mahalia’s request, we went to East Street Cafe and we happy to find an empty table.
We ordered a pizza and a plate of polenta & camera balls to snack on along with a Gooseberry & soda drink to share.
They all went down a treat.
We had barely ordered when my phone flicked me a message telling me that I had 20mins to get to the show.
Oh my goodness!
I had completely forgotten that I had booked the ticket.
We had time to eat, I then paid and left.
The girls were happy to walk home and have some time together.
I got to my seat with 4 minutes to spare and was SO glad my memory cells had been prompted because the show was great.
It was the Lake Rotoiti school’s biannual musical theatre production.
This year is was ‘Archibald’s War’.
I had not been aware of their previous play history, had just seen this advertised and thought it was cool to support a small school.
They sure know how to put on a production.
Aboki Hair supported them too by doing all the hair cuts and styling for free.
The introduction to the play went like this…
Wartime in London – children wave goodbye to their parents with trepidation and excitement. A new home in the countryside safe from the bombs awaits! When Maggie is evacuated, her teddy bear goes with her. But somehow Archibald gets left on the train…
It finished at 8pm so I decided to take some time out and go have a cuppa at Cafe Affair.
The waiter was new to me and talked me into having some desert.
I hesitantly ordered the creme brûlée which he thoroughly recommended, after the first spoonful I wished I hadn’t succumbed.
After being off sweet foods for so long it made me feel really ill.
So I left it and messaged Azzan around 9pm to come straight from youth group and finish it for me.
That was no hardship to him 😉
In fact he was so hyped and hungry he talked me into doing a drive through at Maccas on the way home.
I did have some vouchers for a two for one deal so he did very well.
He was a happy lad as I tucked him in, he was still munching his way through the second one 😉
I spent the rest of the evening tucked up in my bed enjoying a ‘Broadchurch Series 2′ marathon.

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